He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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