Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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