3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
