The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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