Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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