He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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