in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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