she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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