Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
