I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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