Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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