My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
