I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
