Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize