My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
