Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize