Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Less talking, more tequila
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
