my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
