I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
