How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
