I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
