i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
a search helicopter?!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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