it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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