More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
