apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
