Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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