Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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