you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
