Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
