Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
