just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
