4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I've blown a few things in my day
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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