I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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