Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
