You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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