just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
