There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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