My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
