No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
