dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
