She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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