By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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