I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
