Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
