We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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