Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
