We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
