the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
