I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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