MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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