Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
