I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
