Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
