Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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