Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
