Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize