When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
